Struggle

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Remembering from Four Years Ago

It is Saturday morning as I sit here. The words “Saturday morning” hold a lot more weight than the date and time that they obviously convey. Saturday morning in our house means that Mama gets a little break (in theory). After a long week of being with kids, I have a few hours to sleep in, catch up reading other people’s lives via their blogs, sometimes write one of my own, and maybe fit in a Parenthood (which I just watched all 6 seasons in about 6 weeks – not bragging about my time usage there, but what great writing and characters) or This Is Us (because they seem to get a mom’s adoption brain like no other show I’ve ever seen).

Only this morning, while I sit here in the solitude that is my office, Ty is yelling at me from downstairs trying to find his coloring book because I, apparently, am actually needed 100% of the time. Heaven forbid one actually look where I told them it was and find it on their own. Aaron’s getting ready to take the kids to the park (because it’s 60 degrees in January which is unheard of and because he loves me), but Mia is standing outside my door with “mom, mom, mom, mom” on repeat. On top of that, my parents are leaving for a vacation today that I so very much wish I was on. Because I am a 33 year old mom and still want to go on vacation with my parents. So there’s that.

I feel like I have been keeping up on updating life on here lately, but haven’t taken the time to unload my mind and since the blog is the way I process my thoughts, you get to read it. Aren’t you thrilled?

There are days where I feel trapped.

Can I say that?

I have my heart’s desires – an incredible husband, two amazing kids, I am a stay-at-home mom living in my dream home which is a project and a half which allows me to fill my mind with dreams of projects and the hopes of “someday…”. Family – amazing. Friends – wonderful. Both of my kids are in my care and on the same continent. God has provided in the most fantastic ways and has brought me to this place that I always dreamed and I find myself lacking in the contentment department (again). What is that?

I have been reading blogs over the last two days that say I am not the only one who can’t make or take a phone call to save my life, that I am possibly brave for choosing to stay at home, that I need to get rid of stuff and all will be magically wonderful, that maybe I’m not the only one who feels like I’m failing ALL OF THE TIME. I am seeing myself in all of these things.

I am the mother to two children that I love more than words can describe. I’m crazy about them. I love the people that they are and that I get to share in their lives.

But…

I am with them ALL OF THE TIME – literally – no job, no school, no pre-school, no leaving the house without kids in tow – all the time. There is this funny thing about adoption called cocooning. It’s this (hopefully) temporary stage where we are the sole caregivers for our children so that it 100% solidifies in their minds that we are family. Coming from a place where they have already lost a birth family and then a foster family, it is vital that we take these first 6 months or so to make sure that they know a few things… we are Mom & Dad… we aren’t going anywhere… you can trust us… and this is what family looks like.

Our daughter has progressed so much from our first days together in Thailand. The girl who literally screamed at me “I don’t want you” in Thai for weeks on end and rejected me with every fiber of her being just spent last night at our small group, happily sitting on my lap, loving on me and showering me with kisses. Attachment is working. Efforts of loving on this girl and bringing her into our family are visibly working in incredible ways.

And yet I feel trapped (if you are thinking “wow – super ungrateful and kind of whiny”, believe me, I am too).

I am the primary caregiver all day, every day, for two little people for about 4 months now since Mia’s been home (not that Aaron isn’t a tremendous help). I miss quiet, cleanliness, and the ability to move throughout my house without a running commentary on which room I’m going to and if I’ll be right back or not.

I miss only having my actual shadow instead of two bonuses that I regularly physically run into because they are always there.

I miss having conversations with my husband that are entirely uninterrupted in the light of day. I send him messages online, even if we are in the same house, because I miss being able to focus long enough to not forget my thoughts.

I miss my body not being bruised by the constant demands of little people. This introverted mind of mine is worn out by noon, and if I’m honest, it’s sometimes worn out before I even get out of bed.

I miss the lack of guilt in my life – for thinking these thoughts, for desiring to be alone, for even contemplating asking for help because this is my only gig – just to take care of my children.

I miss adventures and working towards something and dreaming in bigs ways, but the thought of a date night right now is nearly incomprehensible, let alone dreaming about an adventure as a family with a little girl whose adoption isn’t finalized which means we are going to be stuck in this house fooooooreeeeever. Tad melodramatic, I know.

So that’s me right now. 🙂

I’m fine. It’s a season and we’ll get through it. I’m just trying to figure out how to absolutely love it and find more joy it in while we are in it instead of looking back 5 years from now and realizing that I should have cherished it so much more. These are precious days and I am so thankful for this life, but there are days when the struggle is so real and this past week has had more of them than I would like.

So if you think about it, I know we have had a ton of people praying for us and our adoption processes, but this mom could definitely still use more. Just like physically delivering a baby, the hospital is not the end of your recovery / healing / bonding / exhaustion, stepping off a plane with a new toddler to your family isn’t either. As hard as fighting and waiting for you child to come home is, these first months home are often harder.

Today

I have so many friends who are becoming new moms / meeting their children for the first time and wanted to revisit this post that I wrote as I was really struggling 4 years ago with motherhood. My hope is that it can be an encouragement, knowing that you aren’t alone in whatever feelings you are having.

So many of these struggles have faded with time.

Others, not so much… like the bit about having two bonus shadows and my body being bruised by their constant presence. Someday… 🙂

So many things have changed in the last 4 years. While I can’t say that the struggle is 100% gone, I will say that I have found contentment in this stage of life and we have found a balance that allows us to function well as a together-most-of-the-time family.

You will sleep again.

Your home will be clean again (although it won’t last for as long as you’d like).

You will date again.

You will have adventures again.

You won’t be the person that you were prior to having children, but will find her replaced with someone who feels more deeply, loves more selflessly, gives more sacrificially, whose faith has been stretched and grown, and who is stronger than you could have imagined.

If you haven’t already, please read Expectations, Encouragement, and Grace. How I wish someone could have shared that with me as I became a new mom.

If you ever need to chat, I am here!